Five Lessons I Learned from Letting Go
Let’s get real. Whether it is a relationship, a limiting belief, clutter or a bad habit, letting go is typically not fun or easy. However, it is often necessary and beneficial. Over the last few years, I’ve been practicing my “release” game. I’ve learned to release how I think things (IE, life, work, finances) “should” be. I’ve learned to let go of my expectations for other people’s behaviors and reactions. And maybe most importantly, I’ve learned to set free the past embarrassments and shame I use to berate and belittle myself. As the new year begins, I find myself reflecting on what’s next to release and what lessons I’ve gained in the process.
5 Lessons I Learned from Letting Go
1 - You are captive to your past
Clinging to guilt, anger, love, betrayal, and shame will keep you locked in the past and prevent you from moving forward. Focusing on negativity and conflict will only bring more, which inevitably creates roadblocks to showing up for yourself and others in your life.
You know that fight, conversation, mistake, or regret that you keep replaying on a loop? It’s keeping you from taking bold action. It’s keeping you from creating the life you say you want. It’s keeping you from the connection and friendships you desire. It’s keeping you stuck in your past and dramatically impacting your present and future. What are you missing out on right now by reliving it in your mind over and over?
2 - There’s freedom in letting go
Hanging on to past hurts, fears, anxiety and possessions is really all about control. We cling so tightly to a point of view that no longer serves us because there is resistance and fear in the unknown. We stubbornly hold fast to past happiness or disappointment and we’re unable to see the possibilities right in front of us.
Out of a need to “survive” our mind wants to protect us from experiencing pain or discomfort. Useful when eating the wrong berry could kill you? Absolutely. Unfortunately, our instincts have not evolved enough to know the difference between the danger a tiger poses and the danger a scary conversation generates. Our minds instinctively seek to control situations with memories of how it went before (or how it could go). Last time I spoke up and presented an idea in a meeting it didn’t go well. I felt rejected and embarrassed and stupid. DANGER! DANGER!
Helping your mind let go of the need to control a future outcome creates freedom. Instead of focusing on protecting you, that beautiful mind of yours can be set free. Free to dream. Free to enjoy. Free to act. Free to be fully present. Free to love. Free to trust. Free to say yes to the next amazing adventure.
3 - The 4 P’s - Practice, Plan, Patience, Perseverance
Releasing your past, your stuff and your habits is not easy. It will take time and persistence, but like many things it is a mental muscle you can work to strengthen.
Consistent practice creates momentum. Momentum creates habit. At first, letting go might feel weird. It might be exhausting and frustrating. You will wonder if you’re doing it right and if it’s even working. Keep at it! Be consistent. Soon, you’ll find it is easier and easier to identify the things you need to release and let them go.
Having a plan makes practicing easier. Consider what you will do, when (and how often) you will do it, where you will be, and what materials you need. Below are a few activities to get your creative juices flowing. Trust yourself to know what will work for you. When your mind, heart and gut are in alignment, you’re on the right path.
Journal at the end of each day - What came up? Were you able to release it? How was that experience? What might you need to let go of now to start fresh tomorrow?
Keep a list of things to let go, and have a weekly ceremony to bury or burn it
Choose a phrase you repeat each morning and evening for a week
Create a Let it Go game - For example, if you are working to eliminate physical clutter, you could create a tracker for your wall or fridge. Put a sticker (or mark) on each day you put something in the donate or toss box. See how many days in a row you can earn a sticker. When the box is full, reward yourself with a latte or manicure or whatever delights you - AFTER you’ve dropped the box off at your preferred donation spot or the dumpster, of course.
Learning new things can be frustrating. Be patient with yourself. You’re going for progress not perfection. At some point, you’ll wonder if this is really worth it. You will seek immediate emotional comfort from giving up or taking a break. That’s the moment to be patient with your current self AND persevere for your future self. When I get frustrated at how long it’s taking me to learn a new skill or change a habit, I like to think about a child starting to walk. There are usually several stages between tummy time and walking, and even after those first steps there is still wobbling and falling down. Kids don’t care! They aren’t embarrassed by how much time it takes. They aren’t ashamed that it’s taking them longer than their peers. They don’t keep track of how many times they’ve fallen down. They just get back up and go again.
4 - What is vs. What should be
Learning to accept what is and let go of what I think should be has made me a happier, more content person. One of my clients introduced me to the phrase “should-ing on yourself”. Who else is guilty of this? I should be saving more. I shouldn’t eat so much junk food. I shouldn’t swear. I should buy a house. I should start a family. I shouldn’t splurge. I should look for a new job.
When we live in our “shoulds”, we give away our power to create the life we truly desire. Do you genuinely want to buy a house? Or, do you just feel like you should? By the way, we “should” all over other people, too! He should be more practical. She shouldn’t gossip all the time. They should learn to relax.
The ability to question, analyze and release my “shoulds” has truly changed my life. I feel less guilty. I feel less pressure. I feel more free to be me. P.S., the same benefits (and more) can be experienced when you set your “shoulds” for other people aside.
5 - Sometimes we have to let go of ourselves
Self-identity. Who am I? How do I see myself? What am I capable of? What do I want? Sometimes we have to let go of version 1.0 to make room for the v2.0 reboot. 2020 provided me with the opportunity to reconnect with my roots and experience my future. I’ve lived in Chicago for 20 years. I’ve worked a corporate 9a-5p gig most of that time. Starting my own company + COVID shut downs allowed me to spend extended time on my parents’ farm, where I grew up. I loved it. Spending time with my family in a new way, the physicality of the work, the connection with nature and animals inspired me. It nourishes me. I feel drawn to it. BUT, I’m a city girl. I’ve been a city girl for the last 20 years. And not the kind of person that says she lives in Chicago, but she’s really from Naperville. I’m walking distance to the lake and Wrigley Field. I’m a city snob. The city is an essential part of who I am.
And so the question is, if I move back to the farm, who am I? I’ve realized it’s less about who I am, and more about who I am becoming? How do I want life to go? I could cling to the idea I have of myself as a city girl, and miss an opportunity. I could rationalize staying because my close friends are all here and wonder what if. Or, I can release that part of my identity to make room for the next version that speaks to my spirit.
What do you want from life? What’s keeping you where you are? Let those limiting beliefs or views go. Forgive yourself and release grudges you’ve been holding. Give yourself permission to wave goodbye to “shoulds” and hello to possibilities.